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Gomenasai [Nov. 20th, 2006|05:56 pm]
alley_skywalker
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This is posted in the Ewan/Hayden comm but I decided to put it up here too :)

Title: Gomenasai 
Author: Alley_Skywalker 
Genre: Angst, Romance, Songfic
Paring: Obi/Ani
Rating: PG
Summary: Dring his time in exile on Tatooine Obi-Wan has plenty of time to indulge in memories, regrets, and "what if"s. 
Disclaimer: The boys and SW in general belong to George Lucas. The song Gomenasai belongs to TATU. 


What I thought wasn't mine

In the light
Was one of a kind,
A precious pearl

 

I never wanted him in the beginning. He had been nothing but a nonsense. A desert child, another pathetic life form, a distraction. I was jealous and that jealousy blinded me. Blinded me to his warm blue eyes, the way he looked at me in such a heart breakingly trusting way, the way the Force swirled around us. I was blind to realize that Qui-Gon hadn’t left me a burden but a precious gift.  


When I wanted to cry
I couldn't cause I
Wasn't allowed

 

I still remember it now, so vividly: standing by Qui-Gon’s funeral pyre and trying desperately not to cry. What would Yoda say? I was a Jedi. I shouldn’t cry. I should rejoice for Qui-Gon was now a part of the Force.

 

In the days that followed I wished for comfort. If I had to go through this I simply wished I didn’t have to face it alone. Anyone’s comfort. Even his. But I wouldn’t let him see my weakness. I wonder if he ever knew.


Gomenasai for everything
Gomenasai, I know I let you down
Gomenasai till the end
I never needed a friend
Like I do now

 

Maybe I had been too harsh on him. Maybe I simply needed to relax and let the boy in. Maybe that was one of my fallers. It was so hard to let it go, to open up, to forgive and forget. I needed a friend. I think he knew…but was too scared. Too scared that I would push him away. Why do I always do it? Why couldn’t I let anyone in? 


What I thought wasn't all
So innocent
Was a delicate doll
Of porcelain

I thought he was dangerous. I watched his every move as he grew in front of my eyes. I watched as the small curious boy grew into a lanky and slightly unstable teenager. I could feel our bond strengthen with every tough mission, with every trial we went through. So why did I refuse to believe in what we had?

 

I kept in the back of my mind, for so long…way too long even, that he would be a threat if mishandle. So I dedicated myself to trying to teach him how to let go. I thought that he was dark and moody and brooding and therefore needed a shake up. Maybe he was just fragile.

 

As the days dragged into weeks and those into months and those into years my padawan was no more a boy but a tall young man.

 

When I wanted to call you
And ask you for help
I stopped myself

 

I often wondered what was happening to me. Why did it feel so much better to be around him when I knew that I couldn’t possible have any feelings for him, it simply wasn’t possible. I refused to believe that. And yet…and yet…

 

Ventress…that hadn’t been fun. Even after a week of being back on Coruscant the aching of my body constantly reminded me of those months. When I would wake up in the middle of the night because of the plaguing nightmares I wished that I could simply curl up in Anakin’s arms. Why not after all? Anakin was only in the other room. How simple it would be to call out to him. And in reward? A feeling of complete safety. But…I couldn’t. I knew where this was going and I wouldn’t let us go down that rode. 


Gomenasai for everything
Gomenasai, I know I let you down
Gomenasai till the end
I never needed a friend
Like I do now


I’m not surprise that Anakin knew about my nightmares and after the fourth one he came into my room and settling on the edge of the bed took me in his arms. I simply wish…I simply wish I hadn’t pushed him away.

 

Oh, Anakin, I’m so sorry. But denial was all I had keeping me sane.

 

He didn’t understand of course. There was nothing wrong with the gesture, even platonically speaking. But I simply… I couldn’t. If he touched me then, if he had held me in that gentle protective way of his…I wouldn’t have been responsible for my actions.


What I thought was a dream
A mirage
Was as real as it seemed
A privilege

 

As the Clone Wars dragged on and on it became harder and harder to pretend there was nothing there. We never talked about it. Looks and shy but brave touches once in a while was all that spoke of our love.

 

I remember finding Anakin standing out in the rain one night and I went to him. “Why are you out here?”

 

He opened his eyes and looked at me. “It helps me meditate. Things feel more real in the rain. Nothing feels real anymore. Is anything real anymore, Obi-Wan? Or is everything lies and motives?”

 

I took his hand in mine and intertwined our fingers. “This. This is real.”

 

“If only you’d let it be…”

 

Oh how I wish now that I had.


When I wanted to tell you
I made a mistake
I walked away

Our last goodbye was before I left for Utapau. There had been this feeling. Like things needed to be said. Like this was my last chance to set things right. I was tired of the hinting and denial. Would it really be so hard to say “I love you” especially knowing that he felt the same?

 

I walked away once but Anakin called me back. “obi-Wan! May the Force be with you.”

 

“Goodbye, old friend. May the Force be with you.”

 

And Anakin…I love you I added to myself as I did the bravest, or most cowardly thing in my life: I walked away.


Gomenasai, for everything
Gomenasai, Gomenasai,
I never needed a friend,
Like I do now

 

Now here on Tatooine I think back on those years. On all those times I could have told him. Strange to think that just three simple words could have changed the fate of a whole galaxy. It might be hard to believe but I believe it.

 

I have only one regret: that I never told him. Not for the galaxy’s sake but for the sake of Anakin and Obi-Wan and what we could have been. 

 
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