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I actually kinda like it when guys take the time to get me to like them... - alley_skywalker [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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I actually kinda like it when guys take the time to get me to like them... [Nov. 8th, 2014|11:18 pm]
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I recently realized something.

I get kinda annoyed that whenever a male character pursues a female character in a show/movie when she's not 100 percent interested from the get go and, without even doing anything super creepy, gets her to like him (whether that be by flirting/making her laugh, offering to go places/do stuff together, doing favors for her, or whatever) and she ends up falling for him (or as fandom calls it "gives in") fandom cries "RAPE CULTURE." Well, only parts of fandom, but this attitude is prevalent on tumblr.

I'm just sitting here all like "huh? seriously?" Now, obviously, there are things that are never ok and creepy like stalking or continuing to text someone once they've asked you to stop or inappropriate touching or really gross comments. But flirting and wanting to hang out or doing (nice) things that might get someone to like you? How is that rape-y? Like, IDK about everyone else but usually when I meet a guy I don't want to instantly fall into bed with him or even go on a date with him. That doesn't mean he can't change my mind. And usually that involves that person being around and me getting to know him. It's the same with making friends really -- often when you're the new girl around you have to get involved and ask people to go places or to come over first for some time before they start reciprocating. Sometimes "no no yes" is just how it goes. You get to know someone, you come to trust then, you come to like them and THEN you realize you wanna go out/sleep with him. But initially I might not be interested at all.

There's seriously nothing that frustrate me more than a guy who never talks to you again if you turn him down for a date. Because, honestly, how much could you have wanted that date then? Being threatening or obnoxious is not the same thing as being persistent and going after what you want. There will always be grey areas but the people in question here will call just about any courtship rape culture. Also, the whole "so she gave in" thing is so obnoxious. Why is it if a girl comes to like someone or realize that she does want to be with him then she's just giving into him? Why isn't it that she's just been shown enough (positive) about him that she has decided that yea, this is something she wants? (I'm totally thinking of Emma and Killian here, even though I'm not really a Captain Swan shipper.)

It's even funnier that these people are really hard to please in general. They like each other instantly? "No build up!" She tries to get him instead? "Eww, her whole character revolves around a love interest!" Not every dynamic is enemies-to-lovers or old friends-to-lovers. In fact, that's probably kinda rare in comparison to when one person starts liking the other first.

[User Picture]From: lokifan
2014-11-14 10:44 am (UTC)
I agree that one person often likes the other first but I think there's a difference.

But flirting and wanting to hang out or doing (nice) things that might get someone to like you? How is that rape-y?

None of that is remotely creepy IF THE OTHER PERSON IS FLIRTING BACK. Or responding positively to wanting to hang out even if they can't do it immediately, say. But the thing about the persist-and-you'll-get-the-girl narrative is that often the woman SAYS NO REPEATEDLY and the guy keeps trying and then is rewarded. Ignoring a woman's no = victory! is rape-culture-y, to my mind.

There are plenty of ways to make friends and get to know people that don't involve one person saying no and the other person ignoring that no. For one thing, 'sorry can't hang out today' isn't necessarily a no forever, but if a person keeps saying no and you keep pushing? I've had guys text me and call me for days and weeks. In theory maybe that's nice but what it feels like is 'LEAVE ME ALONE please a soft no is still a no. I've given you no reason to keep trying, that is asking you to stop.'

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[User Picture]From: alley_skywalker
2014-11-14 10:45 pm (UTC)
No I get what you're saying and I've had guys be super annoying with texting and stuff too. I don't know if this came across in the post, maybe it didn't as it was late when I was writing it, but I wasn't talking about the situation where you're saying "stop" or ignoring him or sending some sort of very clear signal that you just want nothing to do with this person and they keep talking to you. That's what I call obnoxious. I was referring more to the "mixed-signals" or "hot-and-cold" sort of situation. Where she's like "I'd never date you! *gives really coy smile*" or "wow, you're such an asshole jeez *keeps talking to him/being friendly*." And "I don't want to date you" =/= "I don't want anything to do with you."

Like...I guess the line is different for everyone but I often feel like some part of fandom are so sensitive to the subject that any situation involving a "chase" comes off as rape-y to them.
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